Time has changed me once again, I always hope for the better.

Ya, I know, I should have, could have, would have gone to bed earlier. I know what I will be thinking to myself tomorrow morning. Why didn’t I? It was 8 PM tonight and I was sitting in a nice relaxing bath reading a magazine and it would have been nice to fall asleep at that point. My body was totally rested after a long day at work and an off day from running. But I know that if I didn’t do the dishes tonight that I would regret it in the morning, and not only that I would regret it when I got home from work tomorrow afternoon, when at that point I would have wanted to run for 7 miles, only so that I could think about that extra mile that I can squeeze in now, in an hour. It has no doubt taken quite a bit of work to get to this point in running. There are many factors to how I got here and why I think this is only the beginning of something that could go on for years and years that I really didn’t have when I lived in Upland.

But instead, I did the dishes and then I made a fruit salad which now sits in the refrig. Both good decisions to do tonight because I know how I would feel when I get home tomorrow after work, I won’t want to do either. Instead, I will want to veg on this very computer for just a little time and then change so that I can hit the pavement for another hour of therapy. The ocean and sand on in my right, more sand on my left and the beach path in front of me. Lately I have been weaning myself off of wearing the running belt that I have worn for so many years. Its nice not to have to carry the extra weight but I also know that I like having my radio, water and an ID on me in case anything happens. I hope this weeks marks the 30 pound mark that I would have lost in the last three months. My body has changes so much over this time that I don’t even know if I could describe it in words. Where there was a round belly and fat to grab on the side is now almost flat. Where there was extra fat on my legs and calves is now firm and leaner than I can ever remember it being. The same belts and pants that I remember being tight now barely hold on to my body. The same energy that wasn’t enough before now is propelling more longer and faster in almost everything that I do, including staying up longer. And when I do fall asleep I sleep better than I have for years.

Not just because of that life is pretty good. It was around this time last year that you moved and I wondered whether I should do. I didn’t know what do. I didn’t know why i wanted to fight with the person that I been with for years. I felt that we were really close friends but that I didn’t expose everything that I could have offered you and I felt that maybe you gave the same back to me. Also, I felt that maybe the plan that we laid out wasn’t the best for the both of us. I have written about this over and over, this plan that we had. About how it all worked, and it did, except the part with me in it. I still feel bad about that. It was huge I know and lately I’ve wanted to hear from you. Not that I am not happy with my life and were it has lead me but the whole fact that we got married and everything seems like its totally in another life and really it was just last year. Roughly 13 months ago we filled for divorced and the following month you moved, and I understand why you did. I don’t know if I would have had the strength to make the same, accurate decision that you did, when you did, but it still happened anyways and our lives are drastically different because of it.

Should I have let it play out? Some one recently shared a passage from a book they were reading, although I don’t remember every single detail of what they told me one thing did stick with me. It had to do with a couple who was coming up on their 50 wedding anniversary. And someone asked the wife whose anniversary it was how long that she had been married and she said 20 years. And the person asking the question commented with a question, “20 years? I thought it had been longer than that?” And the women responded, “well not everything when you get married is happy, good or even something you look forward too. You know, its 20 good minutes here, 40 good minutes there, you add it up its 20 a good 20 years.” And I thought of you. Is this how I should have been looking at our relationship? Is what this women said what it really boils down to being married? She would be the one to know right, she has been married for 50 plus years now. Although the book is a piece of fiction the author does have an accurate point because I have felt this way in relationships in my past. Not every day is going to be the best day ever in my relationship, in fact you might go a solid month without a good one. And its really up to you and nobody else to make the effort to make the relationship exactly what you want, or don’t want out of it.

Anyways. Every now and then I get the itch to hear from you. To write you, text you, call you, what ever you, and I never do. I figure that I could every day and you would probably never respond to anything, ever. I think about you. About how you are doing, how is that job, what its like to live there and everything single other stupid piece of your life. (Not that its stupid, but thats just another way to say the details) I very much wish you knew this version of me and instead I gave you to remember the absolute worst one of me. I wish that we could still have those “school type” of conversations like we used to have. I saw a movie last week the Ides of March which I think you would enjoy. Every so often I will see someone that looks like you and my heart with skip a beat, but I know that it never will be you. I hope that tonight has cured me once again of my desire to hear from and write as it has for the so many other times that I have wanted to write you just a short couple of sentence email to say hello. But really its not me that should be saying hello at all, it should be you, but I don’t think you ever will and have to say that I don’t blame you. Like I said, I left you with the absolute worst about me. Although that is not who I wake up every morning wanting to me. Time has changed me once again, I always hope for the better.

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