Time has changed me once again, I always hope for the better.

Ya, I know, I should have, could have, would have gone to bed earlier. I know what I will be thinking to myself tomorrow morning. Why didn’t I? It was 8 PM tonight and I was sitting in a nice relaxing bath reading a magazine and it would have been nice to fall asleep at that point. My body was totally rested after a long day at work and an off day from running. But I know that if I didn’t do the dishes tonight that I would regret it in the morning, and not only that I would regret it when I got home from work tomorrow afternoon, when at that point I would have wanted to run for 7 miles, only so that I could think about that extra mile that I can squeeze in now, in an hour. It has no doubt taken quite a bit of work to get to this point in running. There are many factors to how I got here and why I think this is only the beginning of something that could go on for years and years that I really didn’t have when I lived in Upland.

But instead, I did the dishes and then I made a fruit salad which now sits in the refrig. Both good decisions to do tonight because I know how I would feel when I get home tomorrow after work, I won’t want to do either. Instead, I will want to veg on this very computer for just a little time and then change so that I can hit the pavement for another hour of therapy. The ocean and sand on in my right, more sand on my left and the beach path in front of me. Lately I have been weaning myself off of wearing the running belt that I have worn for so many years. Its nice not to have to carry the extra weight but I also know that I like having my radio, water and an ID on me in case anything happens. I hope this weeks marks the 30 pound mark that I would have lost in the last three months. My body has changes so much over this time that I don’t even know if I could describe it in words. Where there was a round belly and fat to grab on the side is now almost flat. Where there was extra fat on my legs and calves is now firm and leaner than I can ever remember it being. The same belts and pants that I remember being tight now barely hold on to my body. The same energy that wasn’t enough before now is propelling more longer and faster in almost everything that I do, including staying up longer. And when I do fall asleep I sleep better than I have for years.

Not just because of that life is pretty good. It was around this time last year that you moved and I wondered whether I should do. I didn’t know what do. I didn’t know why i wanted to fight with the person that I been with for years. I felt that we were really close friends but that I didn’t expose everything that I could have offered you and I felt that maybe you gave the same back to me. Also, I felt that maybe the plan that we laid out wasn’t the best for the both of us. I have written about this over and over, this plan that we had. About how it all worked, and it did, except the part with me in it. I still feel bad about that. It was huge I know and lately I’ve wanted to hear from you. Not that I am not happy with my life and were it has lead me but the whole fact that we got married and everything seems like its totally in another life and really it was just last year. Roughly 13 months ago we filled for divorced and the following month you moved, and I understand why you did. I don’t know if I would have had the strength to make the same, accurate decision that you did, when you did, but it still happened anyways and our lives are drastically different because of it.

Should I have let it play out? Some one recently shared a passage from a book they were reading, although I don’t remember every single detail of what they told me one thing did stick with me. It had to do with a couple who was coming up on their 50 wedding anniversary. And someone asked the wife whose anniversary it was how long that she had been married and she said 20 years. And the person asking the question commented with a question, “20 years? I thought it had been longer than that?” And the women responded, “well not everything when you get married is happy, good or even something you look forward too. You know, its 20 good minutes here, 40 good minutes there, you add it up its 20 a good 20 years.” And I thought of you. Is this how I should have been looking at our relationship? Is what this women said what it really boils down to being married? She would be the one to know right, she has been married for 50 plus years now. Although the book is a piece of fiction the author does have an accurate point because I have felt this way in relationships in my past. Not every day is going to be the best day ever in my relationship, in fact you might go a solid month without a good one. And its really up to you and nobody else to make the effort to make the relationship exactly what you want, or don’t want out of it.

Anyways. Every now and then I get the itch to hear from you. To write you, text you, call you, what ever you, and I never do. I figure that I could every day and you would probably never respond to anything, ever. I think about you. About how you are doing, how is that job, what its like to live there and everything single other stupid piece of your life. (Not that its stupid, but thats just another way to say the details) I very much wish you knew this version of me and instead I gave you to remember the absolute worst one of me. I wish that we could still have those “school type” of conversations like we used to have. I saw a movie last week the Ides of March which I think you would enjoy. Every so often I will see someone that looks like you and my heart with skip a beat, but I know that it never will be you. I hope that tonight has cured me once again of my desire to hear from and write as it has for the so many other times that I have wanted to write you just a short couple of sentence email to say hello. But really its not me that should be saying hello at all, it should be you, but I don’t think you ever will and have to say that I don’t blame you. Like I said, I left you with the absolute worst about me. Although that is not who I wake up every morning wanting to me. Time has changed me once again, I always hope for the better.

One Sweaty Trip

And so it came and went, and it was one long sweaty day. Although I would not have expected that a week before it happened, but then again a couple of days before that I would not have expected to pay to get in, in the first place. Thats just how things work out some times and I do the best that I can do to adjust to things that are unforseen.

Either way the Disneyland experiment round two was better than the first time around. It was better planned out, although my plans are usually loosely based on the person that I’m with and what they want also instead of what I have conceived as the best things to do at the time. If you know me you know that I’m not a fan of this place. And its not that I’m not a fan of actually being there but rather the crush of strollers, both kids and adults dressing up like the real world doesn’t exist. As if you can spend $100 on an amusement park ticket and it checks you in to being stupid and annoying while you wait in line with 100’s of other people that you don’t know. Or the simple fact that the Disney company charge $3.00 for a 20 OZ coke, which I know was produced by Coke for a dime and then sold to Disneyland for 20 cents. And yet people every day line up to buy their crap as if they were brain washed. And of course that goes for the old, usually white women who are an endless quest to buy any Disneyland decoration that the company puts on sales throughout the park. My favorite part of that being that they make items of limited release as if there was another company that sells any of this crap.

Regardless of all of that, the day was pretty good and in fact I don’t remember arguing about one single thing while we were there and it was pretty pressing, demanding kind of day. With the temps hovering into the 100’s that day, I would say the park was at 50% capacity being on a Wednesday and all and the fact that neither one of us got more than 6 hours sleep thanks to the very stiff hotel room bed it was a good day there. It has been my experience at amusement parks that there is a lot of down time to just stare at each other, well of course talk but you can’t talk every single moment that you are together with each other. But that time is also occupied by looking and talking at other people, looking at the park and thats its at Disneyland. Unlike other local amusement parks they don’t have televisions or amusement to watch while you are in line. Smartphones have limited battery life spans and even if one is fully charged when you get there within 6 hours you are probably down to one bar and your phone is going to die soon.

Ok Ok Ok, things were very good that day. And I’m happy with them. There were long days on Tuesday, followed by the day after Thursday and Friday. And some how I still managed to lose 2 pounds last week and run 30 miles last week and I believe that I am on track to run a competitive half marathon in the middle of November and the another some time in December another. And then in the middle of March of 2012 I’m going to run the LA Marathon again. By the end of November I hope to be at 180 pounds, 35 under what I started with in August and I will probably continue the program until 2012 and then attempt to do the weight maintain program on my own.

It seems like there is always something to write about but that I have to be in a certain mood to do it. Like I have to collect myself ahead of time and only then can I write. Life overall seems good and on track. You know that I think of my past life most days that I wake up. I think my age and what I would have had if I stayed in my previous life and where me and that person would be in it. I don’t know when I will stop thinking about that, maybe never. I guess that is one of those things that I would have predicted would have happened. But instead I’m roughly two months away from living in Long Beach for a year and planning a life with this person and not seeing any reason why I would want to walk away or leave. There are only more reasons why I’m glad that I wanted out of that. I know that we did know each other but I doubt that we know each other and what each other wanted very well, and I don’t know if either one of us would have ever opened up to one another like that.

A Month Gone By

When I just looked at the date of the last time that I wrote here the entire month of September rolled on by and I said nothing, although it was a big month, and emotional month at times and yet here we are in the October staring down at the shaft of the last big three months of this year and rolling into 2012. I would like to think that September was a good month, although the Dodgers didn’t make the playoffs I have to say that I felt like it was good season for us, at least the last half of it was. Once we got rid of the vets that were making millions of dollars to go most of the sitting on the bench the rooks that we brought up to replace them did a nice job of staying hungry and showing why they should be on the opening day roster at the stadium next season. It was exciting to watch, even if the pitching outside of Kershaw wasn’t that good at time. At least the Rod Sox, Angels or the Giants didn’t go to the playoffs which makes the Dodgers not going a little more bearable.

It was another month were I didn’t hear from you either. Not shocking, but I feel the effects of that former life that I used to lead fading away more every day. Its not like I didn’t write about it enough in here or feel it on my heart and in mind and finally the shroud that it was is moving away and new memories and ideas are forming. Maybe not completely new things, but things that I wanted before than I can actually make happen in my life now.

You know, I just looked at the weather at where you live now and it said 53 degrees and raining. Whew… Here, I have the front open, wearing shorts, its sunny and beautiful and in a little bit I’m going to run what I hope is seven miles. Really, why did you and I ever discuss moving cross country? Oh right, for a job. You know that seems like a million years ago even though I know that it is only the start of a huge career for you in that field while I work at the same old job that I get when you moved away last year.

Maybe I told you I watched all 120 episodes of Lost in squence on Netflix streaming and out of all of the characters that were on that show my favorite was Desmond. This was because of his saying, “I’ll see you in another life brother.”

Well here we are, in another life. I never thought I would be here but I have to say most of the time its good to be here.

September was a good month for a lot of reasons and one of them is that I crossed the 20 pounds lost plateau in my diet which started just two months ago. Last time I weighted in, which was Saturday morning weighed 192 pounds, which I haven’t weighed since some times doing my high school years and that was 16 years ago this year. It feels very good to be eating better (for the part) and all the time not as much as I was before which is really the key to losing weight in my opinion. One the diet that I am on you can eat anything, but in the back of your mind you have to keep the portions of how much you can eat and what it is into consideration. Well, what you and eat, what you drink and how much of both you consume. Its been good and it has showed me what is good for you and what isn’t, and that i needs to be followed on a daily basis. You can have bad days, I would say that it is acceptable to have bad days once every 14 days, or even just one bad meal during that time.

I should also note that I’ve been running on average about 25 miles a week, and on my way up to 30 miles a week. I want to run once half marathon in November and then one in December. And then I want to move on to marathons next year and maintain a weight of 180, that would be nice.

There is always more to write but I told myself I would do some running today before I went to work, and then I have to walk or ride my bike to work because my car is in the shop today. Something serious with the engine that included oil being in places that it shouldn’t. I haven’t heard back from the dealership but it sounded like it was going to take a while to work out and repair, that was almost three hours ago since I last heard from them. But I have tomorrow off and if my car is still in the shop that means I can’t go to far except to the dentist for a 10 AM appointment. (Oh great) I’ll probably stop in tomorrow to write. There have been other ideas that have been kicking around in my head and its coming up against a hard deadline whether I should partake in them or not.